Stop apologizing

It’s probably not going to help

Do you apologize constantly? 🙋‍♀️
Are your "I'm sorrys" met with confusion? 🙋‍♀️

There are a lot of circumstances that can lead us to over-apologize, usually involving some form of having our feelings invalidated in the past. Feeling like we're not allowed to feel what we feel.

I'm a lot more comfortable in my skin these days than I was as a teenager, but I still find myself apologizing a lot; it's almost unconscious at this point. Plus... It just feels wrong to upset someone!

One thing people recommend is turning your apologies into "thank yous" instead, e.g. thanks for your patience/understanding. I generally like this technique! It goes along with my general thoughts on the importance of language, saying what we mean, and being gentle with our words.

At some point I found myself saying "Thank you for putting up with me" though, and at that point I'm not sure this trick is working anymore.

Sometimes we legit screwed up and we need to apologize. This isn't for those cases.

This is for when you did nothing wrong. You don't need to apologize for it and you don't really have to thank others for being normal humans.

But when to know which is which?

I propose, as a test, placing yourself in the others' shoes.

Would you expect an apology for your behavior from someone else? Is the behavior affecting them as badly as it affects you? Most events have a higher emotional weight for one party than the other. Is there reason to believe they are *more* upset than you?

Apologizing, or even thanking, might just be reinforcing a reminder of the perceived error.

It's in the past. Does thinking about it help you move forward? Does it help them move forward?

You don't need to apologize for being you. And frankly, no one worthwhile wanted that apology in the first place.