“Crazy”

Why are you talking to yourself that way?

One of the first homework assignments my current therapist gave me back in 2014 was to stop calling myself "crazy" all the time.

I'd told her in our first session that my self-esteem was okay and I generally liked myself. I then showed up a few weeks later claiming I was "too crazy to love."

She asked me why "crazy" was such a bad thing.

“Uh… I guess I feel ashamed about this whole “crazy” thing. When I’m being irrational, immature, and, um… don’t seem in control of my emotions or actions? I feel like I’m hurting and burdening other people… I guess sometimes I’m ashamed that I don’t feel I’m living up to my potential? Or… when I make a mistake? I don’t like disappointing other people…”

She asked me if I was ashamed of being crazy. Well, yeah.

She asked me if I would be ashamed to be ill?

This wasn't my first introduction to the power of the language that we use to talk about ourselves, but it was one of the most powerful and sticking.

As soon as my therapist made me aware of it, I realized that I was calling myself crazy many times a day. Sometimes the “crazy” mantra was practically constant. I started to correct “I’m fucking crazy” to “I’m struggling right now.” It felt unnatural and wrong. Why was I lying to myself? I was crazy.

A crazy caused by mental illness.
A crazy that sometimes, despite my best efforts, disrupted my life.
A crazy that wasn't really my fault.
A crazy that was me struggling.

I don't call myself crazy anymore. I was using the word to stigmatize myself. No thanks.

I'm not crazy. Sometimes I struggle.