DEARMAN

Asking for what you need

This is a time of a lot of hard conversations for many people. Trying to change minds, sure, but also just surviving the months and affirming our boundaries with others.

I've recently introduced a few friends to a communication framework that's useful when discussions turn heated. It's a more collaborative vs competitive way to share needs and desires.

DEARMAN, as it's called, is pulled from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), a fairly popular treatment which was developed to address behaviors involving emotional instability among other things.

It belongs to a set of skills for improving "Interpersonal Effectiveness" and stands for: Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Mindful, Appear (confident), Negotiate.

D - Describe the situation in factual statements. "The garbage isn't getting taken out."

E - Express your feelings or opinions. Why does this matter to you? "I feel judged when we fight over the garbage constantly."

A - Assert your need. Clear and concise. "I need you to remind me the day before."

R - Reinforce the behavior by offering a "reward" - "If you can remind me, I'll take it out then and we can end these garbage fights."

M - Mindfulness of topic. Stay focused, don't get distracted, no repeating. Address only one issue at a time. Don't add "...and you don't do the dishes either!"

A - Appear confident and calm. Be assertive.

N - Negotiate as possible and necessary. Offer options and focus on what might actually work. "Can you help me set a phone reminder instead?"

DEARMAN was helpful enough to me to hang that deer man head pic in my office at work for awhile. I hope it helps you too.

Bonus! If you need to have a hard conversation and want some help prepping this, DM me!